Do You Share a Bank Account with Your Spouse?
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Can we talk about money for a second?
Read MoreOn Using the Word “Partner”
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When we first started dating, we couldn’t wait to start using the word boyfriend to describe ourselves, especially Thomas. After going years with never having one, he finally had a boyfriend. Not just a boy who was a friend, but a real, live boy who wanted to be MORE than friends. An actual boyfriend, people!
For the next four years until we were engaged, we referred to each other as boyfriends. When introducing one another, it was always “Hi, this is my boyfriend, PJ” and it always felt so good because we finally got to experience what everyone else got to do for years. It was almost like playing catch up, you know?
After we got engaged, we started referring to each other as fiancé. And okay to be honest it did sound somewhat pretentious to call each other that every time we introduced ourselves but there was a certain elegance and seriousness about it, maybe even a sense of importance to us. It was taking our relationship to the next level and with that comes a new defining term. Even though it was only 10 months, we enjoyed that short period in our relationship where we went from just boyfriends to fiancés, and then after we got married, we happily refer to each other as husbands.
But what about the word “partner”? It seems when other people talk to us, if they don’t know what our relationship status is (or they’re too embarrassed to say husband because we live in the south and that honestly happens ALL THE TIME) they will refer to us as partners. We have never called each other partners in our entire relationship, and we don’t have one definite reason why, it’s just never been how we describe ourselves. A part of us feels like that term is a “safe word” or a cover up word used to describe gay couples, mostly by straight people, either because they feel shame calling us husbands or they’re embarrassed. Who knows?
At the same time, we know there are a lot of gay couples who refer to themselves as partners. Maybe they’ve been together forever but aren’t married, so they’re life partners, or maybe they ARE married but don’t like the word husbands. We are curious about this word and it’s usage, though. It’s interesting don’t you think? Is it an age thing? Do younger or older people use it more than the other? Maybe it’s a generation thing? Or a region thing? We’d be interested in studying more about those topics to dive into this further.
When we were researching for this post, we came across this article written by a married gay man who prefers to use the term partner instead of husband. It’s an interesting read and he makes a couple of good points. Still, it isn’t enough to sway our vocabulary just yet :). And ultimately, that’s what it all comes down to! Doing whatever works for the two of you and your relationship. What other people think doesn’t and shouldn’t matter, so you do you!
We came across a lot of articles that make a case for both words, but we are curious: which do you prefer? Do you use the term partner or husband/wife?
PS- more interesting articles on the topic:
Why do gay couples use the terms ‘husband’ and ‘wife,’ rather than ‘partner’?
There's even a Reddit thread about it here. Other than the occasional inappropriate words, it's fascinating to read through all of the different opinions.
(Above photo by Cameron Hinkle)
Q&A Part II
/If you haven't already seen it, here is the follow up video to our Q&A Part I last week! We answer questions about having kids and coming out, along with whether our designs styles were the same or different when we first got together. It was so much fun to answer these and we can't thank you enough for submitting such thoughtful questions!
We hope you're having a great Monday night!! xx
Valentine’s Day 2018
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This is an account of our Valentine's Day from Thomas' perspective. If you want to see it from PJ's, you can click here or watch the video at the end!
This year, for some reason, Valentine’s Day sneaked up on me and completely caught me off guard. We’ve been so busy the last couple of months and it’s honestly hard sometimes to remember what day of the week it is. I posted about buying my husband a card but, sadly and shamefully, that was about the extent of my effort for Valentine’s Day this year.
It’s a sad truth, but after you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s very easy to slack on celebrating even the silliest of holidays. But, we believe no matter how long you’ve been together, it’s so important to put forth that effort, even if you don’t feel like it, because it keeps the romance alive and, for the most part, your relationship strong.
I had planned to make spaghetti for us and watch a Redbox, just spending a quiet night at home, not unlike most of our nights actually. Again, I hadn’t planned much this year and I apologized to PJ and promised I would make it up to him. And I fully intend to!
When I got home from work yesterday, I walked in the front door and gasped; partly because I’m dramatic, but mostly because I was completely surprised! I walked in to a dark house with little candles lit everywhere. In the dining area I could see more candles, glasses of wine, and a card waiting for me.
PJ was there, looking so friggin cute in his short sleeve, pink button down with his hair pushed to the side. He kissed me, handed me a flower, and welcomed me home. Once I got over the initial shock, I heard music playing in he background. Bossa Nova, our favorite to listen to while we cook/eat. He told me to sit down at the table as he went into the kitchen and came back with a plate full of spaghetti (!!!) and mushrooms, salad, and a basket of bread. I told him that I was the one who was supposed to make spaghetti tonight! He smiled.
There was a little heart shaped note that said “Feed Me” on it. We ate and drank and talked about our day. It was dark and stormy outside which made for the perfect cozy, warm atmosphere inside. I was grateful. I may or may not have cried a few times, too, but how could I not?
When we were finished eating, he told me to stay there while he hurried upstairs, promising me there’s more. After a few minutes, he said I could come upstairs. So as I walked up the stairs, holding on to the railing that was wrapped in twinkling lights, I could smell peppermint and hear the thunder and rain from outside. But it wasn’t from outside, it was from Alexa! When I get upstairs there are more candles and an entire massage table waiting for me with soft nature-inspired music playing in the background while the essential oil diffuser spreads the relaxing aroma around the room. He handed me another heart shaped note that said “Relax Me”. Y’all. This man!!! On closer inspection I see that he turned out desk into a massage table by wrapping the cushions from the couch in some comfy flannel sheets. He’s never been short on creativity. He told me to undress to my comfort level as he left the room for a moment. When he returned he treated the whole thing like a serious, professional massage, mimicking the way the professionals did it at our recent couples massage. I was so impressed I couldn’t stop smiling the entire time.
After the massage, he handed me another heart shaped note that said “Seduce Me” and that’s where we skip a few details in the story and head to the next part of the night! He leads me into the upstairs bathroom (that our guests use, but we never do so it felt like a real treat) and I see a bath being drawn, with bath salts, another glass of wine, and rose petals. There was another heart shaped note that said “Bathe Me”. He said the bath was just for me and pointed to a change of clothes on the table that would be waiting for me when I was finished. He told me he would be downstairs whenever I was finished and to just relax for a while. I never take baths, but the rose petals in the tub mixed with the wine and candles made for an especially relaxing bath. Did I mention there were more twinkly lights? This man knows the ways to my heart.
When I was finally finished, I made my way downstairs to find him in the living room. He kissed me and said there was one more thing and handed me a “Treat Me” note. He bent down and reached under the sofa and pulled out this huge thing of CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA MINI CUPCAKES. If you know me, you know cupcakes are my biggest weakness, so it was such a fitting end to a perfect night. I laughed, and we ate a couple of them together on the couch.
I don’t know what my life would look like without PJ’s creativity and love. His acts of kindness weren't extravagant or expensive, but rather personal and thoughtful. One thing we always try to do on social media is to make sure people know that our relationship is not picture perfect, that we argue and get upset and disagree sometimes, and that it’s okay to do all of those things in a healthy way. But we also make sure to convey that those times are worth it to experience the good times like these. The nights that remind you why you fell in love with your husband eight years ago and how, as the years pass, you only love him more because of the life you two have built together and all that comes with that in the future.
I could never thank PJ enough for being mine, my funny little valentine. He has been, to quote Virginia Woolfe, “in every way, all that anyone could be”. We have a saying that we always tell each other and a couple of songs that we play while we dance, but it’s nights like these that will always remind me the most why PJ McKay is forever my guy. PJ: I love you. I’m IN love with you. Thank you for making that night so special. 💫
-T
PS- If you want to see the video about our night from PJ’s point of view, check out the video below!
When People Surprise You
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The other day I was in line at the grocery store after purchasing some milk, dog treats, cereal, and a Valentine’s Day card for my husband. I watched as the cashier scanned each item and put it in the bag. When she got to the card, she stopped, opened it, read it, and smiled.
She asked how long I’d been married. I told her 2 1/2 years. She wished me 42 more years of marriage with that same smile on her face. When I asked her if she was married, she told me she had been married, for 44 years, but sadly her husband passed away from cancer two years ago. I offered my condolences and she thanked me, saying it was a shame that he died because she actually still loved him (she said that part with a wink and an exclamation mark) and he still greatly loved her. I could feel my chest begin to hurt for her as I imagined the pain she must be going through. How do you go from seeing someone everyday for 44 years to suddenly spending holidays and birthdays alone in an empty bed?
After we shared what I felt like was a genuine moment, she asked me what I had planned for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I smiled, and politely corrected her, letting her know my wife is actually a husband (hence me buying a husband card). She looked somewhat surprised, though looking back I’m not sure if she didn’t NOT know I was gay the whole time and was trying to find out in a roundabout way? She said, “Oh, well what are you doing for him then?” I could HEAR the italics on her voice, but it wasn’t said in a tone of judgement, rather one of curiosity.
I told her that I honestly didn’t have anything planned this year, as time slipped away from me and we have been too busy. I felt shame actually saying the words out loud, as I believe you should always try to celebrate love whenever you can, but I was honest with her nonetheless. She thought for a split second and said, with quite a bit of delight, “I think you should surprise him!”
I’m not sure what I thought her reaction would be during our whole conversation. Maybe I, myself, was being judegemntal thinking she would say something snarky? After only knowing her for 2 minutes, I had learned that she was married to the same man for 44 years and lived in the south, in the heart of the Bible Belt. I think I just assumed she would naturally not be okay with me buying a card for my husband after I corrected her with the right pronoun, but if she wasn’t okay with it, I would never know. She was kind, thoughtful, and sincere in her well wishes to me and my husband. Maybe we did share a moment after all.
I didn’t get her name, which I now regret, but I know I won’t forget her kindness to me and how I felt at ease talking with her. She told me to surprise my husband this year, but looking back, I think I’m the one left feeling the most surprised of all.
Weird Things Couples Do When They’ve Been Together For A While
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We came across this article about weird things that couples do when they've been together for longer than 3 years and we have to admit, a lot of them were pretty spot on.
A few in particular stood out to us, like "Speaking in a made up language to each other", or "Wear your S.O.'s clothing so much you forget they weren't yours at one point" or even "Have shows that you are obsessive about watching together."
Then there were a few not-so-cutesy ones like: " You stop apologizing for burping and farting around each other" followed by, "And sometimes congratulate them when they do a particularly massive one" that we shamelessly admitted to doing, also. When you're with someone for 8 years, you just can't find time to care about those sort of things. :)
It got us thinking, though, what are some weird things we do together that we might not even realize? Here are a few that come to mind:
PJ talks in weird voices only to Thomas. They're hilarious.
We aren't afraid to let the other one know when they need to shower.
We talk about our dogs and their emotions like they're people. We also have a million nicknames for them and they respond to every one of them.
We have started quoting our inside jokes since we've been telling them for so long.
We get the hair in the hard to reach places for each other.
We share food, even when the other person doesn't offer to.
Even though it's not the cleanliest, we sometimes share deodorant and toothbrushes.
What about you? Do you do any weird things with your significant other because you've been together so long?
Grocery Shopping One Day
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We went to Walmart yesterday like we do every Sunday. We shopped for the week and pushed the cart down the isles and debated on what we were going to make for dinner each night. I forgot to get something (like always) and had to go back to the opposite end of the store to get.
When I found what I had forgotten, we began to check out and I stood there, watching PJ put the groceries into the bags and my mind immediately went to when I was 15 or 16. I remember going to the store with my mom and thinking I would love to go grocery shopping one day with my future husband and walk down the isles together, not caring who sees us or who knows we're married.
We would pick out our favorite foods and talk about our to-do lists, taking turns pushing the cart. We would bag up all the groceries and load them into the back of our car together while one of us returns the cart. I think it's those little, intimate moments I always longed for the most growing up.
I remember when PJ and I first started dating I used to wish I could fast forward time to when we were more comfortable with each other, married, and doing boring ole' husband stuff. He wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary yesterday, not at all, but to me it was extraordinary. Isn't it crazy how, when you're with the right person, bagging groceries at Walmart suddenly makes you realize your dreams have come true? Because they do, so no matter how badly you want to, don't give up hope. You never know when your own grocery boy will come in and sweep you off your feet.
-T
Ways to Say I Love You
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If you think about it, there are so many different ways of telling a person that you love them without coming right out and saying the words. A lot of the time, we tell them just as much with all of other, daily things we say to them.
"Buckle up, please."
"Do you want to get coffee?"
"Let me draw you a bath."
"Let me know when you get to work."
"You look beautiful today."
"Let me take care of the ___, you've had a long day."
"Let's watch a movie tonight. You pick."
"No, you can have the bigger piece."
Sometimes, when you're with someone for so long, you don't realize that the small things you do or say for your spouse are really just you reminding them of how much you love them. It almost becomes second nature, like breathing, you know? There are so many different ways of saying I love you, sometimes we just need a little reminder of what "I love you" looks and feels like to us.
Changing Our Last Names After Getting Married
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One of the biggest questions we receive on a regular basis is how we decided on who’s name to take after we got married. It’s an important topic for some. To other’s, not so much (looking at you, PJ!).
Sharing a last name, much like wearing a wedding ring, changing your relationship status on Facebook, or even taking the big step and getting married, is symbol of love. A symbol to show the world that you are a family, that you’re in it for the long haul. A name is just a name, but it can mean so much more when it’s shared.
Having the same last name was important to Thomas, and like we said above, not so much to PJ. For one, PJ already has four names, so adding a fifth by hyphenating our last names would be a mouth full. For two, PJ likes his last name and never planned on changing it, really. And for three, PJ is a realtor and is known professionally around town by his first and last name, so it was also a business decision to take PJ’s last name of McKay.
Thomas was never crazy about his last name anyway, so the decision to take on PJ’s instead of just hyphenating it was fairly easy for us. And, just to be clear, Thomas still kept his original last name and just made it a second middle name. So, now he has four names just like PJ 😉. Another important thing we considered was that when we have children, we want everyone to have the same last name so there would be no confusion. That was the biggest consideration we took when deciding to finally make the change.
We talk more about changing our last name and break down the steps on how to do that, legally, in our newest YouTube video. Keep in mind that the difficulty of changing your last name can vary depending on what state you live in, so the explanation in the video below is from our perspective living here in Tennessee.
Like we said, changing your last name after getting married is just a symbol, but it sure is a powerful symbol of love, don’t you think? It’s showing the world that two men can share a life together and raise a family just like any other couple. It’s showing folks that we want the same things everyone wants. And it’s a sign of love to one another that we are in this together.
Love,
The McKays
Out & About Nashville
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We recently gave an interview detailing about how we met and what we love most about sharing our relationship on social media to Out & About Nashville and it's currently live in their January issue! If you don't get the magazine, there's also an online PDF version that you can see here.
We're on pages 13 and 14 so you'll have to click a few times to get to our story. We had a lot of fun talking to Stephen, the writer, so be sure to check it out! Maybe you'll learn something new about us that you didn't know before?
Thank You
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Wow. We can't thank you guys enough for all of the sweet and heartfelt comments last night. We were so overwhelmed with love and are beyond thankful for y’all. You show us so much kindness and compassion and honesty and we really appreciate it.
Though we can’t respond to all of the comments, we did read each and every single one from each of you all over the world. How did we get so lucky to have you guys?
We spent last night at this Italian restaurant downtown and it was dark and cozy and we stuffed our faces with pasta. So, you know, it was a good night. We had planned on going to the movies but neither of us felt that well so we opted for a movie on the couch instead.
All in all it was our favorite kind of night: a good dinner, a good movie, and most of all, getting to spend it with each other. Again, we’re so very grateful for you guys. Each and every one of you.
Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary
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Tonight
Today we're celebrating our two year wedding anniversary, which is crazy for us to say. How has it already been two years?! It seems like it was just yesterday and like it was forever ago all at the same time. Maybe it's because so much has happened in the last two years that it's just flown by.
2014
In the last two years we moved into our first house we bought together, fixed it up, and thought we would be there for the next 5 years, at least. Then, Thomas' old house came up for sale and we knew we couldn't pass up the opportunity to buy it back, especially since we've talked for years about all of the things we would do to that house if we ever had the chance to get our hands on it.
2011
We had planned on fixing up the house over a two year period but then we got the greenlight for our pilot, Down to the Studs, and we made the decision to fix it up then. How many times in our life would we have the opportunity to fix up Thomas' childhood home for a TV show?!
2010
The next year and a half was very stressful and there were many late nights, tears, a lot of uncertainty, and doubts about if we would finish the house in time for our deadline. One thing we were always sure of though, was each other. We knew this process would be tough, but we never lost sight of the fact that this is all just part of our story. To even be married to each other feels like a blessing because when we got engaged, same-sex marriage was not yet legal in our state so we weren't sure when our wedding would even happen.
2010
After we found out the show didn't get picked up for series, we were a little down. It hurt, yes, but it felt nice to know we could get back to our normal routine and focus on each other more. One of our favorite things in the world is to cozy up on the couch with pizza and a movie and we missed those nights during the renovation process. We got back to the basics and it's been pretty nice.
2010
Tonight we're celebrating by going to a local Italian restaurant in downtown Cleveland, Cafe Roma, and then going to see a movie. We like to keep it pretty simple and it doesn't take much to make us happy. Dinner and a movie pretty much does it for us.
2014
We're grateful to have found each other all of those years ago in our little town. We're also grateful for you. We feel like you are a part of our relationship now and we can't thank you enough for being here with us. We have loved reading your comments and suggestions and words of encouragement over the last two years. You have been with us since day one of our marriage, as we started The Property Lovers two years ago, right before we got married. We’ve had the time of our lives sharing our life together with you and we can't wait to see what the future holds. We're just getting started, so we hope you'll be here with us in the years to come. We love you, and we are so grateful for YOU today, too.
