The Biggest Argument We Kept Having When We First Got Married

This post is sponsored by our friends at You Need A Budget.

When we first got engaged, things moved pretty quickly from there, and 10 months later we were officially married. There were a lot of adjustments and new experiences that were happening in a very short amount of time, and they were all equally exciting and challenging. But there was one issue that kept coming up again and again, and we kept having the same argument over and over. Can you guess what it was about?

Money. A tale as old as time. Couples (both gay and straight) fighting over money is nothing new, and it consistently ranks as one of the biggest things people in a relationship argue about. We were no exception. Of course, we didn’t start arguing about money until we became engaged and moved in together and, essentially, started sharing a life. The beginning was tricky and difficult as we did our best to navigate all of the new challenges that come with starting a life with someone, and at the top of those challenges was deciding how we were going to combine our finances and come up with a budget that we could both agree on.

Looking back, we wish we had used You Need A Budget (or YNAB for short) when we first started budgeting together. Their method of managing your money is like nothing we’ve seen from other budgeting platforms. They focus on using the money you earned last month to live off of this month. Isn’t that genius? YNAB’s approach to budgeting, getting out of debt, and building your savings, is based on their 4 rules that, if you follow, are proven to help you be successful with your budget.

The 4 rules are as follows:

1. Give Every Dollar a Job. 

When you earn money, decide where it will go and how you’re going to spend it based on what is most important to you. By knowing where every dollar is going, you can prioritize which category the money will go to (bills, food, fun, etc.) so there are no surprises. Well, there are always surprises (because life happens), but we’ll get to that in rule 3.

2. Embrace Your True Expenses

Be prepared for those infrequent expenses (twice a year car insurance payment, replacing a computer every 2 years, your sister’s birthday present) by treating them like monthly “bills”. For example, if you plan for the holidays by saving $50 every month, by the time they come around you are prepared and have the savings you need so there’s no reason for panicking during an already stressful season.

3. Roll With The Punches

Remember when I said there will always  be surprises because life happens? YNAB understands that and embraces it. Sometimes unexpected expenses come up, and when they do, you just adjust your budget accordingly. “Circumstances change and plans change with them. Your budget is no different.” YNAB explains how adjusting your budget is not seen as a failure, it’s seen as being flexible. I love that. When you adjust your budget, it shows that you’re serious about sticking to one and taking complete control of your finances. 

4. Age Your Money

This is something PJ has been working on subconsciously for years. When we came across this rule it was such a reassuring moment for us (maybe we’re doing something right afterall!). The idea is to get to a place where you’re spending the money you earned  last month on this month’s expenses (bills, extra spending money, fun, etc.) so it gives you total peace of mind. When you are prepared for your expenses and even have a little money left over, there is such a feeling of relief by the time next month rolls around.

We’ve been unknowingly following some of these rules for a while now, but budgeting doesn’t always come natural for some people. It takes work, consistency, and dedication to create a budget and stick to it. We could all always use a little more help, whether that’s from a friend, a life partner, or even a budgeting software like YNAB. When you feel like you have someone in your corner helping you or rooting for you, it becomes so much more doable, don’t you think?

So after we became engaged and I moved into the house PJ owned, I was very much for combining our bank accounts and sharing all of the finances. I felt like this would be the best way to deal with our money so that we would have less arguments in the future, and I felt like this was a natural choice to make when getting married and sharing a life. PJ was very much not for that, and had many hesitations about combining our bank accounts. The thing was, we had very different spending and saving habits. Basically, PJ was very frugal, stuck to a strict budget (he knew where every dollar went), and was very good at building up his savings. I, on the other hand, never had more than a couple hundred dollars in my savings account and didn’t follow any kind of budget. I was basically living on a paycheck to paycheck basis, and though I didn’t just spend my earnings on pointless items (the majority of my paychecks went to my car payment, cellphone, food, etc.), I still hadn’t properly learned how to earn money and turn it into savings.

When I moved in with PJ after we got engaged, we decided to split the bills down the middle and I would pay him part of his monthly mortgage. I wasn’t crazy about that, because I felt like I was paying him rent, like I was more of a tenant than a future life partner. It seemed like we argued over money every other day. It was what we talked about constantly and we allowed it to consume our lives leading up to our wedding. And I get it! I really do. I was someone who had almost no money with no real plan on how to save, and PJ was someone who had worked hard for the money he had saved over the years, and the thought of now having to share all of that money with a not-so-strict person like me, had to have been a difficult pill for him to swallow. 

After we got married, and after many tough discussions, planning, negotiations, and compromises, we decided to combine our bank accounts and come up with a budget that made sense for us as a couple. And as it turned out, it wasn’t as scary or daunting as we had (both) built it up to be. It felt natural, normal, okay; and the world didn’t end for us. We decided to set a spending limit where if we spent anything over $50, we would discuss it with the other first to make sure we were okay with it. I know that almost sounds restrictive, but for us, it was a way for us to both be on the same page, to communicate with each other, and to not allow room for any surprises that would potentially start an argument. And 5 years later, it feels good to say we haven’t had an argument over money (I’m serious, not one) since we combined our bank accounts and started budgeting together.

Since it worked for PJ before we joined accounts, we have stuck to his way of budgeting and saving money, which is to live on a very modest budget, invest in things that will have a payoff in the long run (for us, it’s investment property like houses and land), and always make sure to have enough in savings for emergencies. We have consistently worked hard over the years to make sure we’re both on the same page when it comes to how we choose to spend our money and just as importantly, to respect each other’s comfort level. I believe the key to successfully budgeting together is clear and concise communication. Don’t be afraid to have those hard conversations (because they are hard) and lay it all out there. You will have so many less surprises in the future if you do.

So! Do you budget? Have you always wanted to but have never felt like you have the right tools and mindset (because the truth is, it is very overwhelming) to do it? Well right now YNAB is offering YOU a free 34-day trial with no credit card info required. They also offer so many free video tutorials and information that at the very least, I recommend educating yourself on those as well. 

When you come up with a budget, life becomes so much more manageable. It was one of the things that made our first few years of marriage easier to navigate and creating and sticking to a budget together has honestly been fun over the years. Here’s to many more years of budgeting bliss!

Happy budgeting, friends!!!