Do We Tell Our Kids Santa Isn't Real?

Do we keep up the lie to satisfy their child-sense of wonder?

PJ and I were driving the other day when he turned and looked at me and said, “I really don’t like the idea of lying to them about Santa.” The funny thing is, just the day before, I was thinking the exact same thing. Why do we perpetuate this lie to our children, when it doesn’t really and truly serve anyone? Wouldn’t they be just as okay knowing Santa isn’t real?

I know so much of the magic of the holidays when you’re young is believing Santa Claus is real and that he will come down the chimney and shower your home with presents on Christmas. I know that leaving milk and cookies out is something I always looked forward to, and singing songs about the big guy with the white beard and the red hat were always my favorite Christmas carols. What I don’t know, however, is how old I was when I stopped believing in him.

I think a part of me knew for a while before I finally accepted that he was a myth; a made-up, mystical man that serves as the inspiration and main plot point for thousands of movies and TV shows. But that’s the thing about TV: everything looks magical on the big screen, and so much less magical in real life. So maybe we fear the holidays won’t be as magical for our kids if they know Santa isn’t real. Is that why we keep up the lie?

Another thing is, and probably the biggest reason why we don’t tell our kids, is we don’t want to spoil it for any other kids in their class. Can you imagine how mortifying it would be if our child was the one to ruin Christmas for everyone else? Worst-case scenario. So for now, in the spirit of preserving childhood innocence, we will keep up the charade of Santa Claus and all the joy and mystique he brings.

Our middle son, Riah, has already been questioning his validity lately. I thought for sure it would be our oldest, but I think he enjoys believing in all the things right now. The truth is, I don’t think any of our kids would mind if we told them he isn’t real. I think they would all feel a sense of privilege knowing the truth, like they’re in on this huge, giant secret that no one else knows. I honestly think they would handle the news well and that there wouldn’t be any pushback. I could be wrong, but that’s what I’m thinking would be the case.

However, I would be lying if I said we haven’t used Santa Claus as a motivator for our kids to act accordingly. I know, I know. Not our proudest moments (we’re still learning!!), but it’s the truth, even if it’s technically frowned upon. In this article on Fatherly.com, Psychologist and parenting expert Dr. Justin Coulson explains, “When we use a coercive, manipulative strategy to get our kids to behave, we are relying on extrinsic contingencies by telling them to be good in order to get what they want. And once that motivation is gone, how do we know they’ll still feel compelled to behave? It’s morally, ethically, and scientifically dubious at best.”

Doesn’t that make so much sense? Dr. Coulson goes on to give his argument for being brutally honest with kids about Santa Claus: “Christmas is going to be exciting and fun and enjoyable whether kids know the truth about Santa or not. In the same way that I can watch a movie that I know is complete fiction and still find the movie tremendously enthralling, our children can know the truth about Santa and still find Christmas every bit as exciting.”

So there you have it. For now, we will keep up the Santa Claus schtick until we decide to tell them the truth. What we won’t be doing, however, is using Santa as a manipulative tool, because that’s good for no one in the long run. Maybe by next Christmas we’ll be sharing how well they took it, how much more magical the season is for them now that they know the truth.

Either way, happy holidays to believers and non-believes alike!