On Turning 30

In five days, I turn 30.

For some reason, that seems strange to type. I think I always had this idea in my head that 30 seemed so old, so boring, so…30. But now that it’s actually here (which, thank goodness I am still able to celebrate another year of life), I am welcoming it with open arms.

Though my life changed dramatically in my 20’s (I came out at 19 after meeting PJ, we got engaged, got married, bought my childhood home back, filmed a pilot for HGTV, became foster parents, travelled to different parts of the world, met amazing people, etc.), a few days before my birthday, I am finding myself excited to start a new decade of life; new chapter, of sorts, one that is promising to be just as exciting as the last.

I feel like your 20’s are messy. Fun, exciting, and adventurous, but messy. I spent my early 20’s trying to find myself while simultaneously thinking I knew exactly who I was. But I didn’t, did I? Does anyone really know themselves at that age? I mean even if you 100% think you do, there’s still so much discovery that happens during those 10 years that lead you into your 30’s that there’s no way to understand yourself, fully. At least, that’s my interpretation of it.

I am going into my 30’s with a much better understanding of who I am and who I’m not, who I’ll always be and who I’ll never be. I am going in with a better understanding of my marriage and of my husband, with more love than I think I’ve ever had for him and our union together. Our life has taken so many twists and turns in the last five years and I think we’re exactly where we’re meant to be, which, I feel incredibly grateful and thankful to say. I feel much gratitude to share a life with someone who challenges me to work harder and be a better person, who I (hopefully) inspire to be a better person, too.

All of that is not to say our marriage is perfect. It’s far from it, but I can confidently say we both work every day to choose each other forever, which can look like many different things: saying “I love you” before bed every night, saying “I’m sorry” even when it’s the last thing you want to do, listening and communicating with each other, taking the other’s feelings into account whenever you can. So again, it’s not perfect, but it’s ours. And I’m grateful.

I think some of my contentment and excitement to turn 30 also comes from being a parent, and being one with PJ. Experiencing parenthood with him has been a rollercoaster of emotions and many hard situations, but it’s also the greatest thing we’ve ever done. Our kiddos have changed our life in every way imaginable, a change I don’t think either of us could have accurately anticipated (who could, really?). I have learned more in the last two years about my abilities, my shortcomings, my strengths and weaknesses, and how far I can push myself, than I think I ever have. There’s nothing that tests you as a person, as a human being, quite like children. I only thought I knew who I was before them. What would we do without those three?

Though it didn’t always feel like this (trust me), my life feels good at this time. I almost feel guilty for saying that, because I know so many are suffering in unfathomable ways right now, but it’s how I feel currently. I have learned over the years that it’s okay to be happy, that your happiness is such a key factor in the success of your life, your relationships, your work. I’ve also learned that when you feel happiness, you should try to hold onto that as long as possible, and never take it for granted. I feel things so deeply (can you tell?) and have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I am choosing happiness and realizing that I have every right to be happy just as much as anybody does. I hope you realize that, too, friend.

A big part of my happiness right now, of both mine and PJ’s, is the land. As you know, because I’ve being writing about it nonstop lately, we’re both loving our time out here with the kiddos, experiencing nature with them and the animals, and planning for the future. The land and Holiday House give us so much inspiration and the possibilities of both spark a creativity in us that I think we haven’t felt in some time. We both wake up every day saying things like, “Well what if we did this and what if we planted these; what if we put this here and maybe we could get XYZ to put there.” It’s an exciting thing when something new like this comes along and completely consumes your life.

I’m not the smartest person or always the easiest to get along with; I’m not extremely outgoing and I can be lazy; even though I come across as easy-going, I can lose my temper at times; and at the end of the day, there’s nothing particularly extraordinary about me. But as I’m entering the next decade of my life, I’ve learned along the way that the world doesn’t need me or you to be extraordinary to be a good person.

The best we can all do is to wake up every day and do what we can to leave the world a little better than what we found it, and that can look like many different things: telling someone you love them, nurturing your body, protecting the earth, hugging your kids or your animals, making a cup of coffee for your husband, learning something new, talking and listening to people from different backgrounds and cultures than you, educating yourself on social issues; the cool thing about life is the list of ways to better ourselves and our planet is infinite.

I think my 30’s might be my favorite yet. I am hopeful, cautious, and optimistic about what this time in my life might bring me and my family. I know there will be incredibly difficult times and incredibly joyful times, and as I’m sitting here writing this and the rain is coming down outside and the kids and PJ are all in front of me doing their own things, I have an overwhelming sense that, together, there’s nothing the five of us can’t do.