The Craziest Thing Happened Last Night

Something happened last night that hasn’t happened in almost two years.

PJ and I were alone for the night. Alone, as in, no kids. IT WAS JUST US. And it was weird. Good weird, but weird nonetheless. It’s been the five of us every day and every night since the end of 2019, doing dinner and baths and bed time together as a family, so to have a night to ourselves was a very different experience.

Older brother went on his first overnight trip with his aunt and uncle and nana to a water park for a few nights (how fun does that sound?) and little brother and sis went to PJ’s mom’s house for a sleepover, which left us by ourselves in our house, just like it used to be.

So what did we do? We had the whole night to ourselves! We could do anything, really. But in the end, we just wanted a quiet night at home on the couch, so we ordered sushi and drank wine and watched Loki on Disney+ and it was all total bliss. By the way, have you seen Loki? It’s so good! I don’t think we expected it to draw us in and command our attention like it did, but it was a surprisingly engrossing series. Highly recommend!

It was rainy and dreary and felt like the perfect night to do absolutely nothing but relax on the couch. After dinner we ate some leftover banana pudding from our cousin’s baby shower this past weekend, munched on some chips, and cuddled with our pups. We had the volume on the TV turned up so loud that I instinctively kept thinking we need to lower it or else we’ll wake the kids, but quickly remembered that wasn’t going to happen that night. I told you, weird!

I woke up this morning and my first thought was: I wonder which one of them is awake? I wonder which one will come downstairs first and spend the morning with me before everyone else wakes up? Usually it’s little brother, who is almost always the first to wake up. Sometimes it’s sis, but rarely. Of course, when my mind started to become a little clearer after the early morning fog cleared, I, once again, remembered they’re not here. And you know what? I felt a little sad. 

I started to miss the kids last night when the house was quiet and their shoes and toys that should have been put away were scattered throughout the living room. And then seeing their clothes in the bathroom from the previous night’s bath that were still where they left them; little signs of them everywhere. It reminded me of when they went to live with their family a few years back, after being with us for only three weeks, and we would see things all over the house that reminded us of them, which would in turn make us miss them even more. Only this time, I knew they would be back, so it was obviously a different. Back then, we weren’t so sure when we would see them again. I empathize with the people in their lives who don’t, and won’t, get to see them as much as they used to.

If I am feeling like this after one night away, I know their pain must be insurmountable. 

I think it’s good and healthy for us to spend some time apart every now and then. It’s good for us and good for them and for our family unit as a whole, but I was definitely feeling them being gone last night, and even this morning as I’m writing this. I’m grateful they’re getting to spend time with other people that love them and getting a break from dad and daddy. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before on the blog, but we’re pretty strict parents, so we always say it’s a nice little treat for them when they get to spend time with others who may not be as strict as we are. I know they are having fun and I cant wait to hear all about it!

Not that there was ever any doubt before, but I think last night solidified the fact that I just enjoy being a dad. Plain and simple. I enjoy taking care of our kids and parenting with PJ. I enjoy making them meals and going on walks and teaching them about feelings and hearing about their dreams from the night before. I may get overwhelmed or lose my temper or complain that the house is always dirty or get frustrated while potty training little sis, but the truth remains that I am so incredibly grateful for all of those things.

They’re what I always wanted when I pictured having a family, even when I didn’t know how to articulate it. Being parents with PJ, the man I’ve loved since I was a teenager, raising kids in the house that I grew up in, is all I could ever ask for. The hard moments (and make no mistake, there are a lot of them) are just a part of the overall story; they’re necessary, important, and add to the wholeness of our life.

Of course, I am rarely this insightful or appreciative in the moment. I’m usually saying cuss words in my head and having to remind myself to take deep breaths so I don’t overreact when little brother breaks a dish he’s carrying to the sink or little sis drops the ENTIRE ROLL of toilet paper in the toilet. It’s only after I sit down and think about it that I understand this is exactly where we’re meant to be right now. Raising, loving, and taking care of our kids. Together. 

So in the end, the time apart was good for us all. Still, I cant wait to squeeze them when they get home and hear all about their day, what they did, what made them laugh, what foods they ate and didn’t like, and of course, their dreams from the night before.