Happy New Year! Or Something Like That

How did you spend your holidays? Were they merry and bright? Or blah and not-so-great? Ours were, in short, quite lovely; much more lovely than I thought they would be after our Christmas plans changed this year due to Covid. We spent them all at home with a few family members, eating and drinking and enjoying each other’s company.

If I’m being honest, I already wrote this post about a week ago, or a version of it at least. For some reason, that one didn’t feel right. It was negative and raw and a little…hostile. Yes, hostile is a good word to describe it. I decided not to post that one because, while my feelings in it were valid and real, I think I was in such a negative head space while writing and I didn’t want that to live on the blog forever. That’s not who I typically am.

I look forward to every January 1st. It’s a renewal of sorts for me, a chance to start the new year with new possibilities and endless opportunities. A mental reset of sorts, and of course, a chance to make New Year’s Resolutions (which I have learned is not the best thing to do, since our brains aren’t designed to actually keep them). Maybe I’ll cut my hair super short and dye it; maybe I will be more present with our kids and my husband; maybe I’ll start taking the dogs on daily walks again.

You see? I love this time of year, usually. But for some reason, this year didn’t start off great for me. I have felt down and out of sorts for the first time in recent memory. I haven’t felt like myself, which is a terrible feeling to have. I haven’t been on social media much, which I’ve actually quite enjoyed. I meant to take a break during the holidays from being online and I never made time to actually do it, so I’m telling myself this is my time to relax and back off a bit. It feels good.

I was telling PJ the other day, I think the reason for my out of sorts, not-myself feeling is because last year was so crazy. Between being a parent to three under six, our job, taking care of all the animals and the house work, cooking, emails, and homeschooling, it finally all caught up with me. We were going a mile a minute last year, barely stopping to breathe, and when we slowed down for a week or so, it’s like it all came crashing down and the reality of 2021 set in under crushing weight. I felt overwhelmed and consumed by every day to day decision I had to make. I had horrible voices in my head telling me I couldn’t handle everything we were taking on and saying things like “You’re not good enough” and “You’re not up to the task”.

Looking back, I think I had slight signs of imposter syndrome, like I was just pretending we could handle everything last year and at any minute, people were going to figure out we, in fact, couldn’t. Or worse: I was going to figure out I couldn’t.

People are always saying they don’t know how we do what we do with work and the kids, and for the first time, I asked myself the same thing.

I am writing this today because I feel I’m in a better place mentally to articulate what I was feeling then, rather than spewing out unhinged and unfiltered emotions onto the keyboard with no regard for anything other than what I was feeling in that very moment. That’s not how I like to operate and, looking back, I’m glad I didn’t post the other blog. This one gets the same point across without being so. . .volatile. Hostile. Ugly. Those are the only words that come to mind.

As for being in a better place mentally? I think stepping back from social media has been a huge help in that area. We’ve been doing social media (Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, etc.) as a business for almost seven years now (it’s the longest job I’ve ever had!) and I think it’s healthy to take a break every now and then. While I’m not going cold turkey, I have significantly reduced my role in it and PJ has volunteered to take the lead this year. We are taking it one day at a time and I am grateful for his love and support. He’s been so good with me during this time: taking the kids to the farm for a few hours to allow me some peace and quiet, making sure I’m comfortable, etc. What would I do without him?

For those of you who aren’t experiencing a New Year high, and who might be going through the New Year’s Blues, my heart goes out to you. I’m right there with you. And I’m sending you a big ole virtual hug.

Happy New Year! Or something like that.