In a Small Town Like Ours, Where Do We Fit In?

This past weekend, we went to our first birthday party for one of the kids’ friends. It was for Riah’s best friend in his class, a girl who was also in Pre-K with him and one he talks about all the time, the way that best friends do.

PJ felt exhausted from working on the farm earlier that morning, so it was me and the kids for the afternoon. Her parents said all of our kids could come, not just Riah, which was great because our other two wouldn’t stop asking if they could come all week. The best part? They live three streets over from us, so we were able to walk there and hang out for a few hours.

Since our children are so young, this was really our first…function? event? that we have been invited to outside of family invitations, and while I didn’t really dwell on this thought, it did cross my mind once or twice: How would we be received as the only gay couple at the party?

We knew how it would be raising kids here, especially since we grew up in this town. We’re used to being one of the only, if not the only same-sex family at basketball and soccer games, and school breakfasts and things like that. We’ve chosen to live our lives in a very unapologetic way, and have basically gotten to the point where if people don’t accept us, we don’t make space for them in our life.

Luckily, and I can’t stress that word enough, we haven’t encountered any homophobia while living here since we’ve been out. At school, everyone has been so welcoming and accepting of us and our family. At sporting games, I don’t feel anyone giving us side-eyes or judging us. Maybe it’s because we grew up here and it’s a small town and everyone knows everyone, but we feel we have a real sense of community in our town. The teachers and the parents feel like friends.

And it was no different at the party this past weekend. The kids were running in the yard, darting in and out of the house, eating pizza and cupcakes. The sun was shining but it wasn’t too hot, and I found myself on the front porch talking to some of the moms that I’ve come to get to know over the last year.

While we were there, I also met the birthday girl’s grandma, who shared something with me as we were about to leave that touched me. She told me our kids were so lucky to have the two best dads who loved them. I told her we were the lucky ones.

Little things like that have been happening more and more lately; people sharing things with us that surprise me, especially living here. Our mailman last week being among the most significant. Are these signs that things are finally changing? Are people becoming more accepting in small towns than we previously thought?

NPR reported that a recent study from the Movement Advancement Project, which is a think tank that advocates for LGBTQ+ equality, found that between 2.9 and 3.8 million LGBTQ people live in rural America, which is up to 5% of the rural population and up to 20% of the LGBTQ population.

They go on to say:

“For the most part, they chose that life for the same reasons other Americans do: tight-knit communities with a shared sense of values that typically revolve around places like the church, schools or local businesses.

Same-sex parents, like many other parents, also gravitate to life outside the cities. The report says that "the highest rates of parenting by both same-sex couples and LGBT individuals are in the most rural regions of the country." It points to data from The Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law that says 24 out of the 30 states where same-sex couples are raising children are mostly rural in the Midwest, the South and the mountain regions of America.”

Isn’t that fascinating? While I believe there will most likely always be more work to be done, maybe things really are changing for the better in small towns like ours. I know how I feel being at school functions and I honestly feel safe and at ease. I never feel threatened or judge, and I hope that continues as the kids get older.

We all had a blast at the birthday party, and I think a big part of that was because of the parents who are raising their children to lead with love, kindness, and acceptance, especially towards those who may look different than their own family. In small, southern town like ours, where do we fit in?

The more I ask myself that question, the more I think about how it’s not necessarily about fitting in, but more about being treated with respect and acceptance, the same as everyone else. Who really wants to fit in anyway?